I had read about Mommy guilt before but would always dismiss it as over-thinking. Now that attitude has come back to bite me in the you know what.
I feel so horribly guilty every morning when I leave Anna and go to work. Today morning she was awake when I left. I got dressed while she was playing with Mummy. When I came out she realized I was going to leave. She immediately ran over and clutched my legs. I picked her up and came to the entrance to put on my shoes. She was clinging on for dear life. Then Mummy somehow distracted her and I quickly left. But it broke my heart. The way she was clinging on to me as if she knew that I was going to put her down and leave. I tried to imagine what was going in her head at that time. I know I’m over-reacting. I know once I’m gone she’s fine. But it still hurts so much. I know she is in good hands. Either Mummy or R’s Mom. But deep inside I believe that nobody can be better for a baby than her own Mom.
What is making it worse is that after 2 months I will have to leave her with a maid. We have kind of finalized a young woman to look after Anna. She is newly married and has never worked before but she seems sweet and Anna immediately took to her. She will initially come for a few hours everyday to get used to Anna and vice versa and understand everything. When Mummy leaves she will be there full time. I really don’t know how I’m going to leave Anna with her – not matter how sweet she is. She will not be as involved in my baby as I am or her grandmothers are. She might not talk to her as much as we do. She might let her cry for some time. She might not change her diaper as soon as it gets dirty. She might not take the extra effort required to feed her. She might not be interested in playing with her. I could go on and on. And this is one of the good scenarios. What if she is abusive? What if she completely neglects Anna? I feel as if I am choking.
Mummy is here for 2 months more. She will keep a close eye on her and only if she is fully satisfied will we keep her. But still. I just want to give up everything and stay home with my baby. I know it might drive me crazy but truly is anything else even worth it? These precious years will never come back. This is the time she needs the maximum love and stimulation and closeness. And I know that all she wants is her Mumma. The way she clings to me says it all. But sadly deep down I also know that I won’t quit my job. So every morning I will have to get on the treadmill of my guilt again and again. I can bear that as long as Anna is fine. But again I know she would be more than fine if she was with me.