It was August 2009. R was due to go to Finland for some work related stuff for 4 months. He was supposed to go in October and come back in January. We were both excited and sad. Excited because it was a good opportunity for him and sad because it would be the first time we were apart for so long. We’d planned that he would come back for a week or so once and I would visit him once in between for maybe two weeks. Knowing that there would be a long dry period ahead, I think we got a bit too worked up and were careless.
My parents had come over for a visit in August end and things were in general very busy. R was very busy at work and so was I. Plus his passport was expiring, we had to get mine updated with marital status so that getting the visa would not be a problem and were running around for that.
My parents left, R’s passport was done and mine was pending. I was overdue and I’m generally never overdue. It had happened a few times but never by more than 2-3 days. It was there in the back of my mind that maybe this time was different but I didn’t pay too much attention to it.
We’d gone to the passport office on 17th September for my passport work. We were in a hurry because we were supposed to go to visit my parents and his the next week. I remember standing in the queue that day when suddenly I felt almost sure that I was pregnant. I didn’t say anything to R but was restless the whole day. Finally I called him around 5 in the evening and demanded we go home immediately. Poor guy picked me up and on the way home I told him to pick up a pregnancy test. He’d been jittery because I was late but now he got really scared. We went home and I locked myself in the bathroom to do the test. R was waiting outside. A minute later I told him that it’s ok, the test is negative and felt kind of relieved but also a bit sad and disappointed and stupid that the past few days tension was for nothing. Just then I saw the second pink line creeping up. I really don’t know what I felt then. Was it joy or shock or a mixture of them both? Anyway I called out to R that the second pink line is showing up. Waited for the line to reach a steady state and then stepped out into the lion’s den. Only to find the lion prostrate on the bed and staring at the ceiling with a lost look in his eyes. I went up to him and snuggled against him and burst into tears. Weird I know. I was the one dying for a baby and he was the one who wanted to wait, but in that moment he was the calm one and I was the one who panicked. After sometime when I had calmed down we sat down and had a heart-to-heart. Actually there was no need for any discussion. We both knew that without any question we would have the baby. But only after I had convinced R that positive test means you are pregnant and not that you are not pregnant. I think he was in a state of denial :P.
We decided to share the news with my cousin S and her husband M, both of who are very close to us. Called them up and casually suggested they drop by for dinner. M arrived first. I didn’t know what to say so remained shut. In the meanwhile S called to be picked up from the main road and I volunteered to go. Went and picked her up but still didn’t say anything. Somehow the words were stuck in my throat and just wouldn’t come out.
We had watched a movie called Kaminey some time before this. There was a song in which the hero is an aids-activist who is telling everyone to wear a condom otherwise they could get infected. The words used were ‘Naiya doobe na’. Just after the song his girlfriend tells him that she is pregnant by saying ‘Naiya doob gayi’. We had all joked about this song a lot. This is how R told M about the baby when I went to pick-up S. He just said ‘Naiya doob gayi’. When we reached home M looked at me and started laughing. I knew that he knew. S asked what was up and he told her ‘Pregnant hai yeh’. Now whenever we see that song on TV or hear it on the radio it brings back this wonderful memory.
Next day we went to the doctor to get it confirmed and then told our parents and the rest of the family who were obviously thrilled. Mummy was shocked initially because it was so unexpected but once she was over it she was thrilled too.
I remember that special feeling you have in early pregnancy. Of hugging your precious secret to yourself. Of feeling so very special. Of anxiety and worry too. The feeling at the first ultra-sound when you see the teeny-tiny heart pulsing. Sometimes I wish I could put Anna back into my tummy. Where she could be with me always, safe and sound. If wishes were horses…